atomic_fae

The masks that we wear are far easier to put on than take off.

Also.
Chemicals are an extremely inprecise way to alter your consciousness.

So, things have been interesting inside my head recently.
(Note how i have overcome my fear of using this place as a dumping ground for the things i want to say that might actually let people *gasp* understand some of how i think)
The aftershocks of some of the mind-things i have been doing recently were strong and profound. Kitty had a moment before me of being the very incarnation of revelation. I swear that while my eyes saw no change my heart once more understood that she is a woman who shines from the very core of her being. There is within her all the strength, beauty and compassion that i might ever hope to find within this world. The cruel pressure of the world may make my vision grey and hazy at times but by her blinding light. The light of my Star. The truth becomes revealed.
Sorry for the swift trip into poetry but i am trying to express something i have limited vocabulary for. Perhaps i could frame it in the psychological: That i have experianced a certain change in thought brought on by deliberate application of psycholinguistic techniques. I could frame it in the mystical and say that i performed a ritual and got exactly what i deserved.
Or i could frame it in the personal and say that today i feel like a better person than i did a week ago.
Of course this is all terribly progressive, lets not get the idea that i have made any great advance. But i do feel the sensation of having taken the first step, even if it is a long journey (with no doubt plenty of prat-falls to keep the audience entertained) it is one i have started.
Lets hope there won't be too much backsliding.
And finally the context of this post. I have worked for the last eight days continuously. This is not entirely terrible though it is something a merciful manager attempts to avoid. I have only come to this situation due to the abesent mindedness of an otherwise excellent boss. I could even have probably avoided doing it if i have realised and made a fuss soon enough.
Thats the disclamer, i knew it was going to happen and i have spent the last eight days in near-christmas conditions in what i will charmingly refer to as the "darkest void of the retail hell-hole". If one more person asks me why we don't have any pre-owned DS Lite's i swear i will go all Jack the Ripper on them.
Still i am aware i was in a state of fatigue when i had these head-shifts happened and im still there and they are still happening.
Tomorrow i rest and welcome the arrival of my familey who have treated me so well they could be the poster group for "supportive and understanding" while i relax and continue to process certain understandings i have come to.
All this is wonderful.
I really could have timed it better.

My will be done *sardonic smile*

P.S. My brother is Belak_Krin and he is worth befriending so you can monitor the strange and exciting images he posts if nothing else.

This is a place to eject that which has been rattling around in my head.
Thus I do so.
The knowledge that I am putting this in a place where there will be an audience (including people I love dearly) in nearly all cases curves my thinking when I write here. I have an ingrained idea that to write public posts about the workings of your mind is in someway indulgent and immodest.
This is of course not true – nothing really is – and so in the spirit of unbending my thinking (or, more likely, bending it in a more pleasing way) I have undertaken to ramble a little about the “stuff that should no longer be on the inside of my mind” in an act that is not quite ritual.
This is likely to swiftly become barely coherent stream of consciousness and anyone reading in the hopes of finding some casual entertainment would be better looking to some nice porn.
So here is a thing I have noticed about myself. I am very good at two mental techniques that may well not be profiting me as much they could be. I kick ass at the “I know more about you than you know about me” game. This game is of course fictional and I have been paying far too much attention to the imaginary referee who awards “points” for this. This in itself is not necessarily bad. Ok it leads me toward a certain brand of social deception that involves painting a nice big stereotype and hiding behind it. But in the quiet moments I share with the woman I love I can still see the layers of masks and know that underneath it is the essential ME that lives to resonate to her presence.
The place where this thinking leads me to however has become unhelpful. I have become somewhat chronically unsympathetic to people around me who announce that they are suffering. Nothing is more attractive than feeling better than other people and I have somehow got to a point where I acquaint my stoicism (and god damn I hate that word but it fits and isn’t that just another sign that here is a jagged thought process that needs t be addressed) with being _superior_.
In a universe that I utterly believe had only the shape we impose upon it this rather disheartening.
So here I come to a moment of conclusion and make the determination to look upon the manifest troubles of others as only reflections of the pain that life inflicts upon all of us. Silent or screaming we suffer the same and no one agony is more worthy than another.
Next let me stray into wilder climes. The ideal state of being is that of the enlightened Buddhist monk. Their ascended consciousness grants them a perfect serenity in all aspects of life, they can sit and meditate or converse or die of starvation wrapped in an impenetrable cocoon of harmony and bliss.
This is also about the most self indulgent form of existence I can imagine.
…….this is going nowhere, squadron six come about and attack from a different angle.
Magic! Ritual! These are pretty damn cool things.
Shit I appear to be having trouble with this line of thought switch a different tactic.
I have never performed a magic ritual. Im pretty damn sure I could, my effort tonight are performed with a certain awareness of the magic of certain acts, but I have never sat down and formally planned and conducted a ritual.
This is not because I do not believe I would work. Far from it I have seen enough to believe firmly that somewhere between psychology (its an art not a science) and mysticism lies that tools for people to examine and alter their own minds. And what a wonderful idea! How often do people talk about aspects of their thinking that they _know_ are causing them trouble and bemoan their inability to alter them? You only have to look NLP or the anecdotal evidence of people who have entered an occult lifestyle and prospered to suspect that there are genuine methods for people to make their lives happier through better thinking.
(Careful you’re going to start sounding like an arrogant arsehole again – throw in a dose of self mockery to level out the tonal blend)
I have never done a ritual I think because at a very primal level I am afraid of the implications of my line of thought. If I can genuinely alter my behaviours and thought patterns (and I think I’ve just established that that seems clearly possible) then all the misery and feelings of unworthiness day to day existence breeds are entirely my fault.
That’s a pretty stark realisation for someone who has always clung to the idea that black and white are only really shades of grey (yet I talk like a fascist so much! Score one point imaginary, hopefully wounded referee) so sit here and type with the notion large in my mind that to absorb, process and communicate this idea fully (the three stages) that to absorb this notion properly requires the other understanding of myself as an adult. Time to take responsibility lad – you’re a man now.
I have had the acknowledged and treasured privilege of living an untroubled life. The most supportive and understanding family you can imagine with the blessing of always being supported in all my follies.
But this safety net I fear has allowed me to divorce myself more than is healthy from the simple fact that the life I live is MINE and it is entrusted to me to live well. I cannot continue to let the fears than run through me like blood prevent me from grasping what I deserve.
This is the only way it can happen.
A final notion that sloshes through my brain before this catharsis is complete. My father is a man who should be written of in song and legend. Day by day I see my behaviours trending towards the example he has set me and if I could reach them I think efforts such as this would not be needed. There are pitfalls in model he engraved upon me about what it means to be a man but I am “old enough and ugly enough” (his saying and are there truer, better words anywhere?) to see the perils looming and avoid them.
That’s nearly all, the sensation of the keys under my fingers is somewhat hypnotic and with my other preparation I consider this act to be finished. It is not a ritual but it is as close as I can get right now.
My will be done.

People who know me are probably aware that I’m a court man really.
I like the intrigue, the lies, the delicate cut and thrust of witty debate. Or – you know – the monsters that turn up and say “hi were very cross we have some kind of problem and we demand that you sort it out.”
However I had a really good time on the linear last night.
Perhaps it was the epic feel. Lots of stuff exploded, the bad guy was a figure of local near-legend, we got to be near several mega powerful NPC’s etc.
It might have been the leadership. The precarious balance of Steven being appointed as head and Regan actually being in charge was like a beautiful lotus flower slowly losing its petals one by one.
It may have been the internal party dynamic. There were characters there (the older and more powerful ones for the most part) desperate to do anything they could to save Albrecht while many of us littler fangs wondered why we didn’t just torch the psycho.
It may have been the delightfully set up final encounter which recalled for me all the best times I have been larping with friends and we had suddenly found ourselves in a fight that really needed to be taken seriously.
It may have been any of those things or all of them or possibly some of the many more awesome things that I am unable to list here for various reasons.
Therefore this is a thank-you post.
Thank you monsters for doing such a great job in conditions that were less than ideal.
Thank you other players for being such a great bunch of crazies to play with.
And Thank you refs for reminding me just how good it is to hit things with rubber weapons every now and again.

This may be the most inportant animation event of the year:

Watch

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uJll9AO8nMo

I have provided (what i hope) is a link and the address.
Go watch it right now i shall rant about it later.

Modern Warfare 2 (or to use its full title “Call of Duty – Modern Warfare 2”) is a first person shooter that is currently the “big thing” in games and thus making my life difficult.

If I have to listen to “why are you selling that for £45 when ASDA are doing it for £25” one more time I will almost certainly be forced to disembowel the questioner whilst screaming:
“Because it’s a loss leader you fucking moron! ASDA can happily lose money on every game they sell because they make money from selling potatoes! Oh and why don’t you go there and try to take advantage of that offer your so proud of telling us about? Go on! You just go and try! They got exactly fifty copies because they are selling them at a loss and want to _advertise_ the offer without having to actually _honour_ it too much!”

It’s getting kind of aggravating.

But still in the (admittedly) limited plot that is used to string the gunfights together there are some rather interesting ideas. I love alternate history stuff, crazy plots and stories based around the idea that something we take for granted in the past was different. This uses the idea that something in the present is different.

It throws out a lot of the generally popular ideas about the way the world works and says “hey wouldn’t it be call if the Russians invaded America!” and then applies a fairly gritty realistic filter on top. For example (oh by the way I haven’t played it yet I’m getting these examples second hand but fuck that this is about the way my head moved not about what’s “real”) at one point the Americans having fought a hard and bloody battle through the streets of one of their major cities (being ambushed, sniped, out manoeuvred and generally fucked with since their tactics of having lots of guys going in one direction is a little simplistic) get so pissed off with not being able to move without someone shooting them from a window they decide that any building that _doesn’t_ have a flare on its roof is going to be bombed.

They literally carpet bomb their own city because the enemy won’t stand in front of them and fight fair.

There’s something in that I find a rather beautiful.

|"Don't it always seem to go......"
Im not really sure if i care if people get the refrence or not,
Kitty has gone to Cambridge, i cannot sleep,  the absence of her is very much like suddenly realising an importent but hitherto (publicaly) unacknowledged part of yourself is just gone and its adsence is like constant static in your brain.
(please be aware that without her i would be devoting my time solely to devising ways to ignite the atnosphere)
I knew this would happen of course and there is little purpose in stating it in such a  public medium other than to try to gather sympathy .

I dont want sympathy i want the one point of light in this otherwise futile existance to be here with me.
I dont really approve of posts such as this so i fully encourage people to read this, spend some time considering the things that make thier own live's worthwhile and ignore everything else contained in this post.

please note that all spell and gramatical mistakes are in fact bold attempts to break free from the fascist mold of "correct" language

Obviously most peoples immediate reaction “Yes.” But more and more these days I wonder. Democracy (in the form we have now) is frankly not all that shit hot. Since every person in the country gets a vote politicians fight an endless war not to offend anyone (or at least to offend only the smallest number of people) meaning that the lowest common denominator is the voice most heard.

When the Greeks started up this whole democracy idea they made damn sure that the people that could vote were the people who they felt would be responsible with that power (i.e. not slaves, criminals or *gulp* women) but the form we have now doesn’t care who you are. This is intentional. This is why we modern liberal types hold democracy up as the best form of government (or at least “the worst form except for all the rest”) no-one forgotten, no-one disenfranchised, everyone equal.

But the thing of it is, we don’t really vote to decide what happens in our fair country all we vote for is which colour party is going to fuck things up for the next four years. Honestly can anyone really even distinguish between Labour and the Conservatives anymore?

Once every four years we tick a box and convince ourselves we have some hand in steering the destiny of our nation. Yet the illusion is wearing thin. I remember when Labour got in on the back of a wave of anti-conservatism. Tony Blair all bright and shiny and filled with promises told us there would never be tuition fees, that the hospitals would flourish and education would be a priority.

Politicians lie. We know this. We joke about it and keep it as one of the central truths of life, yet we still buy into the system that supports them.

Voting attendance falls and people talk about voter apathy. Many people say those too disillusioned to go to the ballet box are “not pulling their weight” but it seems pretty obvious to me why some people wouldn’t bother. How many times can you be betrayed by a system of government, can you have your personal irrelevance to it pushed into your face and ground into your mind before you decide just not to engage anymore.

I’d also like to point out how useless Democracy is for getting anything _done_. I’ll leave many of my examples aside and go with the big one. Climate change. An average temperature increase of just three degrees will radically alter our biosphere and some scientists are already suggesting that it may be too late to stop us getting there. World leaders gather and….. debate over the exact number of percent their country should reduce its emissions by. Our planet is genuinely facing a world shattering crisis (sure its not a sexy one like a meteor strike but slow poison kills just as surely as a hammer to the face) and in the back of every politicians mind must be “how can I cut the number of cars on the road – people like driving if I tell them they can’t drive I wont get elected again.”

Ok this is clearly a ludicrously extended example (before people fall on it like a pack of hyenas) and I’m sure some politicians genuinely are trying to make life better for people but as the West Wing so wonderfully demonstrates you can’t help anyone if your not in power and so all good intentions get eroded by the system.

I now realise I have spent this entire rambling just talking about how much Democracy sucks and that’s a shame really because we all know that it does. Were reasonably smart people and the only reason we put up with it is that we don’t see an alternative.

Do me a favour and don’t immediately jump on the “Dictators bad um-kay” button.

The only flaw Fascism has is who you put at the top. If you had an enlightened, liberal, progressive leader then cutting away all the bullshit might allow them to actually get some things done.

Of course people always come back to “how can you ever find someone like that, and how can you be sure that power won’t corrupt them.”

Or if their slightly more insightful “Wait a minute Atomic, that’s just the ideal leader from your subjective point of view and its entirely possible that someone who fits into your weird bracket of “hippy politics with iron fisted enforcement” would cause far more suffering than good.”

And of course their right, but I can’t help but think that maybe the chance would be worth taking. Maybe we would end up with a beautiful utopia where “do what thou will” was the whole of the law and maybe we’d end up in one of those concrete faced repressive nightmare scenarios people picture as soon as you suggest they consider anything other than Democracy.

But at least we’d see some bloody change.

So heres the thing:

The DC universe is one that is filled with aliens. In Marvel they use Mutation as the generic “this guy has special powers” blag but in DC nine times out of ten if the writer can’t get away with the guy having powers bestowed on them by being bitten by a radioactive something or other he’s an alien.

This is why Lex Luthor is the (second) greatest hero in the DC universe.

Lex is a genius. You know this if you have come across any comic fiction at all. Chances are you are thinking “what the fuck? Has Atomic gone completely nuts? His normal insightful and perfect perception must be addled by drugs and booze for I have seen Luthor – he is that bald cunt who would put babies on spikes if it would kill Superman and leave our world critically vulnerable to the next world ending threat that comes along”

But wait a minute dear reader. Addled as I am there is a truth lurking in my ramblings. Lex is _mankinds_ champion. Consider this: You are a citizen of metropolis, your spouse died in a fire. Why did Superman not save them?

He has saved countless others from fire/flood/supervillian attack. He wanders around with his bright red “S” on his chest posing for the camera and looking great at all times. Yet there are still fatalities in his absence.

Sometimes he must be doing things other than saving people. Perhaps he is working a relatively menial job for a wage that is utterly irrelevant to his living. Perhaps he is taking the time to try to blend into the species that has tried to adopt him (never forget he is an alien) by going to the movies or dinner with some girl.

But while he is doing this your loved one is burning to death because his super-senses are tuned to small talk and casual chat rather than the cries of those in danger.

Of course there is little point in trying to really cast Superman as the villain. He inhabit s a world where he can throw truck/cars/supervillains without any danger of collateral damage casting a shadow across his image of the perfect hero. And that’s the thing, he is the _perfect_ hero. Chances are your thinking “but Atomic, hang on Superman would always save _my_ darling spouse and Lex Luthor is fallible! I saw him go nuts and say he would rather see the world burn than work with Superman, that incarnation of justice and peace!”

Your right.

Lex Luthor is fallible. He’s _human_. He is the smartest man in the DC world - he could create a society where all our energy needs are met and no-one goes hungry in a few years if he wasn’t so busy trying to give Superman a kryptonite enema.

If you doubt this read “Superman: Red Sun” and actually think for a moment about the world that DC have created.

Lex Luthor is a hero who is tragically flawed. He looks out over Metropolis and sees humans giving up on the idea of human achievement. Why bother trying to stop your neighbour from beating his wife into a pulp when Superman is bound to be along in a bit? Why bother trying to achieve much of anything when some creature from another world is innately better at it then you? You don’t even need to consider right and wrong for yourself, Superman is right, just assume he’s right and everything will be great.

Oh – unless some telepath (or Red Krptonite) comes along.

If Superman retired and allowed the human race to pursue its own destiny then Lex Luthor would be its finest mind, its leading light, its greatest leader. Lex is consumed by the notion that Superman is robbing humanity of its potential by existing, this is not rational, it a flaw – its human! It’s the crack in an otherwise wonderful being. Spend some time looking into the background of Winston Churchill and tell me that great leaders are not entitled to have weaknesses.

But Superman like a parent that simply cannot accept their child has to leave the nest will never allow Mankind to make its own mistakes and develop. He will always be there to save you from that truck you didn’t notice (because you were listening to your i-pod rather than looking both ways before crossing – you moron!) he’s the security blanket that robs you of the need to think. Just trust Big Blue and the status quo will be maintained forever, unchanging and unending just so you don’t have to worry about any kind of danger for yourself.

Of course many people will be thinking “Fuck you Atomic! Superman is an example of all the thing that are great in humanity. He’s kind and compassionate and Lex is some kind of frothing demon, I’ve seen the movies!”

That’s fair enough. But Superman was a character created in _1932_ and he has barely changed since then. He is the immobile characterisation of the way things are not the way they could be. He plucks folks from danger and moves on, never daring to suggest ways that society that might try to better itself beyond the range of his rippling red cape.

In contrast Luthor has progressed from one dimensional villain to champion of humanity. Read “Red Son” or the “Public Enemies” sage and ask yourself: What might have happened if Superman had been able to even consider the idea that Lex wanted better things for the majority of humanity.

At the end of the day he’s smart enough to know that more happy humans are more people willing to accept his rule.

 

By now most of you will surely be thinking “Hang on Atomic, your angry and frustrated and filled with hate I can just disagree on the basis that Luthor is a _villain_” and in the end I can’t defend the idea that my opinions are tainted with my personal bias because all reality is subjective and anyone who argues otherwise can drown in my piss.

But do me a favour. Think for while about Lex Luthor as a heroic, tragic, character who is trying to save you from what he perceives to be the greatest threat to human accomplishment since Reality TV and if your still not convinced ask me for my brother’s haunting short story that partially inspired this rant.

Then look at Superman again and really take some time to think if he’s serving your best interests or his own.

 

The thing you have to understand with this little rant is that i am a _massive_ Transformers fanboy. It was one of the formative chunks of T.V. of my childhood. It was the program that told me how good always triumphs over evil (a lie actually), that honesty is always the best policy (another lie) and that if you just try your best it will all work out for the best (hmmm another lie but despite all this i STILL love it).
I know that the Aerial Bots that form superion. I know the names of all the dinobots, i even know what Vector Sigma is and why its both important and a paradox. Trust me if i could have done my higher education in Transformers Studies i would have been there and i would now be a Proffessor.
This is why i had a love/hate relationship with the first movie. While watching it i loved it, there was no way i could stop myself squeeing (yes i do squee from time to time) the first time i saw Optimus Prime transform. However when the movie stopped the problems rolled into my brain like an averlanche. The massive plot holes, the enourmous amount of time devoted to the stupid humans being stupid, the fact that the Optimus / Megatron fight was thirty sseconds of Optimus being thrown around.....
There were good bits, of course there were, but when the credits came round there just weren't _enough_ good bits to silence all the problems.
Transformers 2 fixes this.
Yes there are still aweful bits. _Many_ awful bits actually. Michael Bay like Jehovah gives with one hand and takes with the other. Watching this movie you have to endure Sam's mother eating hash cookies and becoming very unconvingly stoned, a decepticon that lookes like a human, a new character who whines, moans and screams so much you applaud each time he get tasered and a pair of Autobots that make Jazz look like a sensitive, in depth portrayal of Black America.
But none of that matters.
The crap / awesome ratio is balanced to tip gently but firmly in the direction of awesome. Optimus Prime taking on half a dozen Decepticons and kicking ass. The Constructicons forming Devastator. Fight scences with no "wobble cam" so you can see whats happening. The line "Give me your face!" 100% pure awesome.
I have spoken to a number of people about this movie and many of them are under the inpression it is rubbish. It is not rubbish. Its not the perfect slice of cinema _I_ would have made with that licence, money, time and talent. However as long as you dont go in expecting Shakespear (i reccomend a few beers before seeing it) it is a couple of hours of the best giant robot movie fun you will ever see.

So.... Live Journal....
Just one more in a long line of social network / rant forums i have dabbled with in my time. Xanga, now long ignored and probably fossilized. Facebook? I may occasionally look at it but mostly only to remember how much i dislike it. Im here somewhat under protest but ill see how things go, there is always the (slim) possibility i might find a use for this place.
Even if it is only to spew hate and bile over a wider area.
For those of you who have turned up wondering why random person has added you (and in case you couldn't work it out from my positive and optimistic tone) im Alex.
I may or may not be paying attention here, im mostly here for pestering people about the Game of Thrones rpg game.